the mutterface.

by brokeymcpoverty on June 11, 2010

oh yeah.  it’s time.  time to dissect and discuss the unfortunate mutterface.  what is a mutterface, you ask?  it’s a male butterface.  what is a butterface?  if you must ask this question, you clearly suck at internet, but hey.  i’m not here to judge.  a butterface, though, is a woman with a very nice body, but her face… yeah.  so now that you’re well versed in interwebs, let’s look at the butterface’s male counterpart and make the concept a little less sexist, shall we?

i was hoping for a generalized list of mutterfaces.  i could only come up with four.  help!

1.  Tyresesinger.  had a bangin ass coca-cola commercial back in the 90s.  taraji henson hates him.

At first I was like:


Aw yeeaaaaahh!  I’ll even forgive those horrible ass tribal tattoos!  Work it, daddy!

But then I was all:


Oh, I didn’t know Skeletor was invited to the party.  Cool.  *collects panties, walks home*

2.  50 Cent. rapper.  got shot 9 times.  recently got anorexic for a movie.

At first I was like:

Hm.  Almost a little too big for me, but mama like!  Mama like.  Is that a gun shot wound?  Rugged.

But then I was all:

Why do I have a sudden urge to watch the Angry Beavers?

3.  Terrell Owens. NFL baller.  VH1 reality show graduate.  from Feelacoochie, Alabama or some shit.

At first I was like:

I bet my tongue would fit quite nicely in that happy little valley between his abs.

But then I was all:

Oh, huh?  Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see you there.  Or hear you yelling my name into my ear.  Or feel you tapping on my shoulder.  Friday night?  Yeah, that’d be cool, but I have to stay home and cut the dingleberries off my MeeMaw’s Cat, Mr. Stankyleg.  …k, bye.

4.  Michael Phelps. olympic swimmer.  weed smoker.  horrible actor.

At first I was like:


YES!  This is just my speed!  This speaks to both my love of skinny-yet-muscular boys and boys strong enough to immobilize and pin me down when the time comes (editor’s note: …*cough*).  Plus I’ve been in the market for a white boy too.  He look like he got good credit!

But then I was all:


..Does he chew on lit dynamite in his spare time?

5.  Michael Jai White. actor in the awesome Black Dynamite.  actor in those horrible tyler perry movies.

At first I was like:

It just got African as shit in here, AND I LIKE IT!  Let me tribal dance to YO drums, daddy!

But then I was all:


Is that an S-Curl?  MOTHERFUCK.

6.  Steve Harvey. loud mouth ass, know-it-all ass, whispers mustache havin ass mothertrucker.

At first I was like:

Wait.. wait, there must be some mistake.  I don’t think this is supposed to be here.

But then I was all:

WHO IN THE HELL LEFT THE GATE OPEN??!?!

this list is clearly getting out of hand.  it’s best we end things now.

yall got any nominations?  complaints?  i know somebody’s gonna disagree with some selections.  those people are wrong and fools and i’m right.

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