Ask Brokey!

by brokeymcpoverty on September 13, 2011

hey, friends! hey! welcome to the newest feature around these parts: Dear Brokey!

so, i’m wise as shit, right? so i was sittin here eating around the peanuts in a bag of caramel corn and thought, “i should just tell people what to do for a living.” i believe that with all my heart and soul. now clearly, my trinkets of truth and wisdom aren’t going to pay any bills or keep me from goin down to the welfare. yet. but i have faith that in time, the world will realize that i’m smarter than all of you and give me my propers.

here’s our first quandry:

Dear Brokey:

I’m on the wrong side of 25 and I want to think bout settlin down and being in a relationship. Only problem is, I think the majority of people in this world are stupid, and I get along with people on twitter better then the jackasses in real life. I’m not a loser who sits in his mommas basement watchin anime, but you can’t find wit and intellect in the club. Where should I find a woman who has worthwhile conversation and isn’t caught up on how much money I make?

PS- all this could be resolved if you married me. Sheesh.

Love, Hannibal

dear Hannibal:

firstly, there IS no wrong side of 25. what’s wrong about it? what, you old now? i’m almost 30. what you tryna say? what does that make me? i’m Miss Havisham from Great Expectations? are my ovaries dusty like Chili’s after she didn’t find no man in that dating show she had? you just gon’ come in my house, call me old, and then propose marriage to me?? hey, fuck you buddy. maybe this is your entire problem right here:

you are RUDE! omg! you don’t know how to talk to people! really, who does that? here, let’s start off with some lessons on HOW TO FREAKING TREAT PEOPLE.

#1: DON’T FUCKING CALL THEM OLD BEFORE YOU ASK THEM TO MARRY YOU. this just may result in you not getting the answer you want. try doing the COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF THIS.

once you get your home training together, i’m sure everything will end up just fine for you. you’re YOUNG, you ignorant bastard. you got all the time in the world. well, i guess it depends on your demographic. if you’re a black male, you have a life expectancy of what, 35? 37? you might wanna step on the gas a little bit. go on down to the corner store, pick up a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter, and before you leave, tell Ms. Nikki workin the register that the way the light catches her white eyeshadow reminds you of the new born Aurora Borealis, and when she says “who the fuck is aurora?!” put a ring on it. right then and there. propose, smack it up, flip it, rub it down, make some babies, and settle into a life reminiscent of a live-action daytime talk show.

if you don’t stop runnin’ round callin women old though, guess what. your balls are gonna stay dry. til jesus comes back again. get your shit together.

in addition to the corner store, you might also try:

-your local community college
-a bus stop of your choice
-church (the Unitarian one your free-spirited hipppie cousin Lyric goes to, not the First Corinthian Leather Baptist Church of God In Christ Our Savior Etc. Etc. Asiatic Temple, Inc. where the Reverend Ronald Rightaboutit is the pastor that Big Mama ‘nem go to)
-a Rally’s drive-thru (note: if you live in a city where you don’t have Rally’s but have Checkers instead, move. this could be part of your problem)

you’re welcome!


(seriously though, you better not be somewhere feeling old. black male or not, you have time. don’t rush anything, cause that’s where we fuck up–when we want something so badly, we force our eyes to see what we want to see & get stuck with mirages and mouthfuls of sand. put yourself out there. be open, be you, be patient. be positive. there’s somebody out there as rude as you are and you will meet and fall in love and have tons of little rude ass babies. keep them off my lawn. thanks in advance.)

do you have a problem? need some advice? of course you do! shoot me an email and let me fix your life!

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

LB September 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Got no Rally’s or Checkers.
An’ I ain’t impatient, but I do get frustrated.
So do I just up an’ move the kiddie’s an’ I to Vicksburg Mississippi to up my percentage chances?


Miss K September 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I could read this all day long. More more more!!


LB September 19, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Ms. Brokey?
Isn’t Aurora Borealis the alter-ego of Sasha Fierce?


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